Tuesday, June 07, 2005

My husband is afraid of spiders. What I'm afraid of doesn't even compare.

My husband is afraid of spiders. What I'm afraid of doesn't even compare.

I'm the spider and bug killer of the house. Most of the time I find my husband's fear of spiders funny, other times, like when he must turn all the lights on in the middle of the night, thus waking me up, rather annoying. It's almost a joke in our home, what is mom afraid of? He asks me that and every time I try to come up with something and can't. You see, my fears are things that don't even compare. Spiders? Nah. Heights? Nope. Snakes? No.

My son was playing outside today. My husband, being the sheltered and over protective person he is doesn't really think it's such a good idea for kiddo to play outside unsupervised. I made a compromise with the kid. He may go out and ride his scooter, play with his balls, whatever so long as he stays right there inside the apartment complex. I have to be able to see him should I poke my head out the door or look out the window. I have to be able to hear him should he fall and get hurt or need me for something.

My child is 7 years old. He's going into second grade at the end of summer. I remember when I was just 5 years old and went to Kindergarten. I walked to school by myself. My mom didn't even watch me walk half way. Thanks to either the changing times and or my own (nightmarish) childhood experiences I'm much more protective and aware than that. I don't trust people with my child - even “good people”. In my experience those good people were not always so good.

I walked outside this afternoon. It was getting later in the day and it was about time for the kid to come inside. He wasn't there. I walked around, I called his name. He wasn't there. That feeling - that horror, the nausea and absolute disbelief is not something you can compare to anything else. I came inside and put on my shoes. I went back out and started looking feeling very frantic inside, panicked. There is was. He was fine. He hadn't stayed right where I told him; he had gone out of our safety bounds but not by much. He was till in the apartment complex. He'd found a kid from his school and they were playing around being little boys. But that feeling won't leave me even an hour later.

I just looked at him. I told him it was time to come inside now. He said he was sorry. He knew he wasn't supposed to leave the area we'd set. I try to explain it to him. How his father and I would never get over it. How we would never be ok. How he really is the most important thing in our lives. How we have nothing if we don't have him. How there are evil people in the world. How he can't tell if someone is bad or not just by looking at them. I try to explain it, I try to tell him. I don't want to scare him, but he needs to know. The thing is, he is 7 years old. He is still innocent, thank God. He can't comprehend how evil people can be. He doesn't understand and can't at this age. He knows what I tell him yet that doesn't mean a whole lot.

My biggest fear is something happening to my child; someone or something harming him in a way that he and we would never recover from. I fear that someone or something will snatch away his innocence in a second and not slowly, gradually over time as he's old enough to hear, learn and see the things that will take it from him. I fear I would be left without him and I fear I would never be ok again. I fear that my life, however rich, is really meaningless without him. And I fear the exact same things about his father, my husband.

My husband is afraid of spiders. What I'm afraid of doesn't even compare.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is tough being a mom isn't it? I have the same spier prowess, and a movement in the grass does nothing more than move the children out of the area.
Today we hear about children being stolen from their beds, and out of schoolyards...As hard as we try to protect them, our fears can never be laid to rest or gotten over...